Me in 70 years.

As I’m doing some research for an article I’m writing, I come across this quote: “Looking at aging as a disease that can be treated, may be the biggest paradigm shift in human history.”

Did I miss something? I check the book’s copyright date, expecting it to be 2050. It’s 2007. So I keep reading, but when I come to “Immortality is possible,” I stop reading and ask myself, “It is?” 

I’m not reading some Orwellian novel or a pamphlet written by L. Ron Hubbard. I’m reading a physician guide for preventative/regenerative medicine. And I’m a little bit scared.

I had heard of preventative/regenerative medicine before. They give our hormones a boost, add a little sponge to the cheeks, some glow to the hair. I think they operate mainly in senior-living communities in Boca Raton, but they’re spreading out, all the while making grand promises that I’m not so sure I want them to fulfill. Sure, if things keep chugging along like they are, I could handle adding a few more decades to my headstone, but I don’t want that for everyone. For instance, that old, crotchety trolley bus driver who made me late for my daughter’s school drop-off yesterday morning because he sat idle in the middle of the road, answering questions about the wrought iron on a historic home, totally ignoring me in his rearview mirror as I flapped my arms hysterically. His time is so up.

Wanting to learn more, I visit the website for the American Academy of Anti Aging Medicine. Never do this. Expecting exciting stories about a shriveled little man who can still hit an overhead at 103 or a 90-year-old cougar who has the sexual appetite of an 18-year-old man, I get the following headlines:

Psoriasis by Mid-20s Correlated to Shortened Lifespan

Copper Prevents Deposits of Toxic Proteins in Alzheimer’s Disease

Across the United States, Poor Education Linked to Poor Health

Aging Heart Prevented in Elderly Mice

Age-Related Vision Problems May Contribute to Shorter Lifespan

People Who Work After Retiring Enjoy Better Health

Trauma in Childhood Shortens Lifespan

 As I read through the list, I find myself rubbing my wrists on the sharp edge of my desk. It’s depressing. And doesn’t seem to support the notion that we are experiencing the biggest paradigm shift in human history in regards to aging one bit. In fact, it suggests that my time is going to be up sooner than I could’ve ever imagined.

Let’s take this headline-by-headline:

Psoriasis by Mid-20s Correlated to Shortened Lifespan
I don’t have Psoriasis, but those poor kids who were afflicted with skin funk in the prime of their youth now have something else to get them down.

Copper Prevents Deposits of Toxic Proteins in Alzheimer’s Disease
Great, I won’t get deposits of toxic proteins but I’ll still have Alzheimer’s. Kind of a pig in a poke, isn’t it?

Across the United States, Poor Education Linked to Poor Health
Uh-oh.

Aging Heart Prevented in Elderly Mice
Great for the mice, but what about me?

Age-Related Vision Problems May Contribute to Shorter Lifespan
And now those poor kids who wore lenses so thick they magnified their eyes aren’t going to live very long just like their psoriasis-afflicted brothers and sisters. Hey, does the world discriminate against children who had a rough go of it?

People Who Work After Retiring Enjoy Better Health
The only remotely uplifting headline tells us that we should continue to work after retirement. This is not good news at all.

Trauma in Childhood Shortens Lifespan
Proof that the world does in fact discriminate against children who had a rough go of it.

Reading this, I’m both depressed and reassured. Depressed that I’m reminded of the numerous things out of my control that will contribute to my demise. Reassured that I won’t be running into that trolley guy too much longer.